“What Nationality Are You?”
I’m Vietnamese and American, or Vietnamese-American. But no one really ever asks me if I’m American. They ask me where I’m from, so I tell them I’m from West Seattle. But no – “What’s your background?” Okay, okay, I’m Vietnamese. I get it. My name is Dieu Pham and I cannot deny it as I used to when I was younger, and dumber. I used to be ashamed of my heritage. I wanted to be like most of the white girls I went to school with. They had money and what seemed to be perfectly normal lives, a life that I did not have. I always wanted to fit in somewhere, but I never did. I wanted to be “Mỹ trắng” – white American. But I am Mỹ Việt Nam, my Vietnam, something I now cherish and hold deep in my heart forever.
“What’s your name . . . Dieu?”
It’s embarrassing that I used to be embarrassed of my name, my parents, and everything that I was. I just hated my name so much when all the teachers and kids would slaughter my name over and over and over again to this day. Luckily, I was always outgoing and likeable, or so I believed at least. But introducing myself to anyone really sucked in younger years. “Hi! My name is Dieu.” And the response was . . . “ Doo?! Du? Doo-doo? Deeyou? How do you say it? What kind of name is that?!” And so on. These days, I don’t even care what people call me. As long as it’s not anything too degrading, I’m happy.
Over the years, I learned the beauties of my name through my mother and many others who’ve told me so many stories behind what Dieu means. My mom reminds me it means “miracle,” all the time, and those who like to show off their French tell me I’m God, which I don’t mind, either. An old Chinese lady jumped back when I told her my name and I quickly discovered it also means “f*ck” in Cantonese, which is pretty hilarious. I do prefer dee-you, just like the two letters “D” and “U” smoothly combined. It doesn’t really matter though. But actually, yes it does. It’s taken me only 31 years to like my name and I refuse to change it to Lola or Zoe, which has crossed my mind a couple times. At the end of the day, I’m still and always Dieu Pham. And I have so many stories to share.